The Best Classic Chuck Norris Jokes

ByAgkidzone Staff

Updated: Nov 21, 2024

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Chuck Norris's jokes are timeless, blending humor with the legend of his martial arts prowess. While the jokes are fun, they’re rooted in his real-life feats. Here are some true Chuck Norris facts for context: Chuck hasn’t lost a fight since 1968. He taught Steve McQueen karate. The first Westerner to earn an 8th Degree Black Belt Grandmaster in Taekwondo, with black belts in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, Judo, and Tang Soo Do. He created his own martial art, Chun Kuk Do, out of sheer boredom. Chuck is also a New York Times Best-Selling author.

Chuck Norris Jokes About Food

• Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
• He uses pepper spray to season his steaks.
• When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
• Some people enjoy eating frogs’ legs. Chuck eats lizard legs and calls them snakes.
• For popcorn, Chuck Norris just breathes on Nebraska.
• Chuck grinds his coffee beans with his teeth and boils water with sheer rage.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t eat. Food seeks refuge inside his body to avoid his fists.

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Chuck Norris Jokes About Animals

• Giraffes came to be when Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
• A cobra once bit Chuck’s leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
• Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
• He can lead a horse to water—and make it drink.
• Evolution doesn’t exist; it’s just a list of animals Chuck allows to live.
• Chuck once visited Mars, which is why there’s no life there.

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Chuck Norris Jokes About Winning Games

• Simon doesn’t tell Chuck Norris what to do; Chuck tells Simon.
• Chuck Norris can win Connect Four in three moves.
• When he plays Monopoly, the real economy shifts.
• Waldo is hiding because of Chuck Norris.
• Chuck doesn’t play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don’t-find-you."
• Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beat paper—but Chuck Norris beats all three at once.
• If you spell "Chuck Norris" in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

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Chuck Norris Jokes About the Outdoors

• Chuck Norris doesn’t get frostbite. He bites frost.
• He can make a snowman out of rain.
• Chuck once beat the sun in a staring contest.
• When Chuck Norris falls into water, he doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
• Every morning, Chuck visits an active volcano for the “best damn espresso on Earth.”
• Deforestation? Nope. Chuck Norris just needed toothpicks.
• He stopped washing his clothes in the ocean—because the tsunamis were killing people.

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Chuck Norris Jokes About Death

• Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
• Chuck doesn’t see dead people. He makes people dead.
• He died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper is too scared to tell him.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square.
• Chuck puts the “laughter” in manslaughter.
• When Chuck speaks, everyone listens—and dies.
• The top causes of death in the U.S.? Heart disease, Chuck Norris, and cancer.
• He who laughs last laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris… dies.
• In the medical community, death is known as “Chuck Norris Disease.”

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Chuck Norris Jokes About Sports

• There are no steroids in baseball, just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.
• Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck can throw Brett even further.
• Chuck doesn’t bowl strikes; he knocks down one pin, and the rest faint.
• He’s the only man to defeat a brick wall in tennis.
• Chuck plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.
• When Chuck plays dodgeball, the balls dodge him.

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Chuck Norris Jokes About Language

• Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
• He can speak Braille.
• Chuck can speak French—in Russian.
• He’s not just a noun; he’s a verb.
• Chuck wrote the first dictionary, and every definition reads: “A swift roundhouse kick to the face.”
• “Depression” is actually Latin for “You can never be Chuck Norris.”

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Chuck Norris Jokes About the Human Body

• Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe; he holds air hostage.
• His blood type? AK-47.
• Chuck’s body temperature? 98.6 degrees—Celsius.
• He won’t have a heart attack. Even a heart knows better than to attack Chuck Norris.
• His pulse is measured on the Richter scale.
• His tears cure cancer. Too bad he’s never cried.
• Chuck has to register every body part as a lethal weapon. His spleen? A concealed weapon in all 50 states.

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Chuck Norris Jokes About Relationships

• The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
• He knows Victoria’s secret.
• On Valentine’s Day, Chuck gifts his wife the still-beating heart of an enemy. He believes every day should be Valentine’s Day.
• His beard hair is an aphrodisiac in China.
• Chuck doesn’t love; he simply refrains from killing.
• Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind every dead man is Chuck Norris.
• He doesn’t say “who’s your daddy,” because he already knows.

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Chuck Norris Jokes About Technology

• Bill Gates lives in fear of Chuck’s laptop crashing.
• Chuck’s keyboard doesn’t have a “backspace” key. He doesn’t make mistakes.
• Type Chuck Norris wrong on Google, and it won’t ask, “Did you mean Chuck Norris?” It simply says, “Run while you can.”
• Chuck can delete the Recycling Bin.
• He can’t fill out online forms—because he doesn’t submit.

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